Dr D put me forward as a subject for a local medical study, into painkillers, and the effects different ones have on different people. So, earlier this week, a medical researcher, P, came round, asked me a lot of questions, filled in a lot of forms, and went away again.
It got me thinking as to what people see when they meet me for the first time. I think old friends probably see the same old crotchety me, just in different - let's face it, much worse - circumstances. They want to help, and it is very difficult for people to come to terms with the fact that, particularly if they live any distance away, there is little they can do except let me know they're thinking of me.
But what about new people, people I'm only now meeting for the first time? It's difficult not to categorise people when you meet them, to reduce them to a single point (e.g. 'the chap who's got cancer') , in fact it's human nature. So when P was here I wondered if she saw me, or H for that matter, or whether she saw victim, victim's wife and so on.
After the party, I said to Andy A, it was great to meet X and Y, did they enjoy themselves? He said, enjoy is probably too strong a word - it was good for them to meet you though, I think they just felt a bit sorry for you. That's an entirely normal reaction - you'd have to be pretty hard hearted not to, and it was a pleasure to meet them. But it made me focus my thinking, and as you can imagine, I don't want people to do that, to feel sorry for me, to think of me as just a condition. It's inevitable, and I shouldn't spend time worrying about it - but this blog is becoming like a strange (and cheap - great!) form of therapy for me, so there it is, it's out there.
To develop the theme a bit, when I ask friends how this is going or that is going, sometimes people reply, oh, it's insignificant compared to what is happening to you, I won't bore you with it. But actually, I love hearing the gossip, what's going on, whether it's the big stuff, or the real minutiae. It makes me feel like I'm still connected to, part of, the outside world. Like there are parts of me that are still normal. Right now, that's all I want, and all I ask for.
